"Whitney Van Marter?" (the nurses always struggled with the pronunciation of my last name), "follow me this way". I walked to the scale and saw how much weight I gained throughout the fertility treatments. All of the hormones over time wrecked my body and spirit. I was so weary. The doctor came in, asked a few questions, and then very directly said "you will not get pregnant unless you do IVF." I could feel the sorrow lodged in my throat as I gathered all of my belongings and walked....okay....ran out. I was crying so hard that I could hardly figure out where the exit was. I made it to my car, opened the door, and fell apart.
It was time for me to call Jordan and share with him the dreaded "news".
"Honey, what's wrong?" All Jordan could hear was the sobbing from me on the other end. "My body is so broken, Jordan. I am so sorry you married someone who can't do the thing I was created to do. I am so sorry. I am so mad. I am so sad." I said this and much more over and over again. I could hear the weight in Jordan's voice as he carried me through the previous years in the battle. He very gently said "You are not broken. There is nobody else with whom I would want to do life. You are loved. There is hope." He always seemed to have the strength and the words for me even in his own grief. I finally calmed down long enough to make the drive back to McDonough. We had small group that evening and I could not stomach having to answer the question of "how are you" again. I was not good. I was at the end of myself. Jordan and I met at CVS to get me some headache medicine because all of the crying made my constant headache that much more unbearable. When I saw him, we embraced for what seemed like forever. We were so exhausted.
As we walked towards the medicine aisle, I looked over at Jordan and said "I can't do it anymore". I am so fragile and my body, mind, and soul need a break." Jordan's next words changed our story from tragedy to triumph and led us to our God-ordained path.
"I do not want to do this anymore, but I do want children. We need to turn from the pursuit of biological children and consider adoption."The sense of peace and relief that flooded me is truly peace that "passes all understanding". After our 2nd failed IUI, I was already moving my heart towards adoption, but Jordan was not quite there. God used that last IUI to show Jordan His plan for our family.
That, my friend, is when I laid it all down. I was fighting God to control our family's plan, but He loved me anyway. The end of myself came with a lot of kicking and screaming, but He lovingly met me there.
What happened next was all Jesus.
End of November 2014 - we announced our adoption to our families
Beginning of December 2014 - we began fundraising for the adoption
March 2015 - 90% fully funded
April 2015 - we were matched with Kennedy
May 2015 - Kennedy was in our arms
From the time we surrendered our plans to the Lord to the moment our dream of becoming parents came true was 7 months...2 months short of a full term pregnancy.
I wrote this to remind myself of His goodness, His gentleness with me, and His presence in every detail. It is so easy to lose sight of all He already provided. Now as Jordan and I begin exploring what is next for our family, I will remember His love in the "no", in the "not yet", and in the "yes". He is a good, good father 'lest I forget'. Not only did we become parents through the gift of adoption, God unlocked His purpose for us - to love couples through infertility, loss, and adoption.
Trust Him. Trust Him with the most tender and fragile of circumstances. He can and will use your tragedy to turn ashes into beauty.
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