This morning I got up
to do my quiet time and opted to sit on the front porch swing while Jordan and
Kennedy ate breakfast. This blog post was born out of my journal entry today
when the Lord so clearly moved in my heart and in my spirit.
It is a spring-like, rainy Sunday here in Georgia. The rain comes after
two days of beautiful, sunny days. They were idyllic because they fell on a
weekend so we could actually be outside together as a family. The weather is a
beautiful depiction of our life and walk with the Lord. Life is comprised of
seasons of plenty and want, showers and drought, feast and famine. The only
constants that cut through the instability are the grace, goodness, and love of
Jesus. They are always there. But, my friends, we have to draw into that love.
The older I get, the more I am finding joy in the winter season.
Despite the bitter cold weather, the dark hue and dead foliage, my
almost-translucent skin from lack of sun, and the pounds I seem to gain and not care as much about because layers can hide that junk -- wait -- what
was I saying? Oh yeah – despite all of that, I recognize that if winter were
like the other three seasons I enjoy, I would not appreciate the warmth of sun,
a renewed focus on eating better so I can wear a swimsuit with some level of
enjoyment, and the blooms of spring. Finding Jesus in the moments of winter so
that I can enjoy him in spring was what He was speaking to me so clearly this
morning.
The other question that the Lord is asking me is simple – do I display my
problem and challenge more than the goodness of God and faith in the
provision that is to come?
Jordan and I are coming out of a season of plenty. After years of
pleading with the Lord to fill our empty arms, He gave us the greatest gift of
Kennedy Van Matre, born 05/14/15. The two years following were not without
trials and struggles, but we were really relishing in the provision that the
Lord gave us.
Then our hearts began stirring to add to our family. This stirring was
not a surprise because we knew we wanted more children eventually. Our hope was
overflowing because our Kennedy taught us that our heavenly Father WILL and
DOES hear our every desire. He gave us our heart’s desire when He gave us
Kennedy and Kennedy has been above and beyond all that we could ask or think.
I do not know why we do this, but we put false expectations on our
circumstances. In this case, I made assumptions about how quickly and seemingly
smooth our adoption process would look and feel.
And so it happened
Adoption
announcement
Home study
complete
Agency
signed on
Profile
book done
Website
information submitted
Friends of
friends beginning to send me situations
As many of you know, we were matched back in January. I opened my heart
to love not just a potential baby but an expectant mama. Boom! We were continuing
the season of plenty – I just knew it. And then the Lord pivoted things and
that adoption match fell through.
Yall. It wrecked me.
It took me weeks to catch my breath, stand up tall, and find the
courage to even put myself out there. But it was all I could see. Why would God give something to me just to take it away? Why would He allow us to share our
hearts with someone that ultimately was not His plan? I was also dealing with
major guilt about not being content – after all – the Lord has blessed us SO
much!
But God – in His gracious love and mercy has been drawing me in through
His word. I am beginning to embrace the reality that we can actually feast even
though our circumstance feels like a famine. The truths of His word are
settling more firmly into the cracks of my broken heart from the failed match.
He has restored my hope. Yall – we are so excited to become parents
again! We are loving this season with our boy because we do not want to regret time
wasted – just us three. These are precious moments with our rascal two-year-old.
We are believing that the closed doors are the Lord’s protection over us and
the necessary pivot to lead us to our baby.
He is faithful. He is good even when our circumstances are not. Pray
that we would continue to feast on who He is, the truths of His word, and the
goodness that He is lavishing on us.