It was a rainy November day. My eyes were puffy from weeks and months of crying in grief after 3 failed IUIs and thousands of dollars spent. I got ready for the day and grabbed a packet of papers to head off to a new doctor. Barf. Starting over with a new doctor just completely overwhelmed me but I was DETERMINED to find a doctor who would tell me that there was still hope for me to conceive apart from IVF. I made the rainy, traffic-filled trip to the middle of downtown Atlanta. I filled out the mounds of paperwork and waited for my name to be called. I was not sleeping well during that season so I constantly had coffee in my hand. This day called for a venti, y'all.

"Whitney Van Marter?" (the nurses always struggled with the pronunciation of my last name), "follow me this way". I walked to the scale and saw how much weight I gained throughout the fertility treatments. All of the hormones over time wrecked my body and spirit. I was so weary. The doctor came in, asked a few questions,  and then very directly said "you will not get pregnant unless you do IVF." I could feel the sorrow lodged in my throat as I gathered all of my belongings and walked....okay....ran out. I was crying so hard that I could hardly figure out where the exit was. I made it to my car, opened the door, and fell apart.

It was time for me to call Jordan and share with him the dreaded "news".

"Honey, what's wrong?" All Jordan could hear was the sobbing from me on the other end. "My body is so broken, Jordan. I am so sorry you married someone who can't do the thing I was created to do. I am so sorry. I am so mad. I am so sad." I said this and much more over and over again. I could hear the weight in Jordan's voice as he carried me through the previous years in the battle. He very gently said "You are not broken. There is nobody else with whom I would want to do life. You are loved. There is hope." He always seemed to have the strength and the words for me even in his own grief. I finally calmed down long enough to make the drive back to McDonough. We had small group that evening and I could not stomach having to answer the question of "how are you" again. I was not good. I was at the end of myself. Jordan and I met at CVS to get me some headache medicine because all of the crying made my constant headache that much more unbearable. When I saw him, we embraced for what seemed like forever. We were so exhausted.

As we walked towards the medicine aisle, I looked over at Jordan and said "I can't do it anymore". I am so fragile and my body, mind, and soul need a break." Jordan's next words changed our story from tragedy to triumph and led us to our God-ordained path.

"I do not want to do this anymore, but I do want children. We need to turn from the pursuit of biological children and consider adoption."The sense of peace and relief that flooded me is truly peace that "passes all understanding". After our 2nd failed IUI, I was already moving my heart towards adoption, but Jordan was not quite there. God used that last IUI to show Jordan His plan for our family.

That, my friend, is when I laid it all down. I was fighting God to control our family's plan, but He loved me anyway. The end of myself came with a lot of kicking and screaming, but He lovingly met me there.

What happened next was all Jesus.

End of November 2014 - we announced our adoption to our families
Beginning of December 2014 - we began fundraising for the adoption
March 2015 - 90% fully funded
April 2015 - we were matched with Kennedy
May 2015 - Kennedy was in our arms

From the time we surrendered our plans to the Lord to the moment our dream of becoming parents came true was 7 months...2 months short of a full term pregnancy.

I wrote this to remind myself of His goodness, His gentleness with me, and His presence in every detail. It is so easy to lose sight of all He already provided. Now as Jordan and I begin exploring what is next for our family, I will remember His love in the "no", in the "not yet", and in the "yes". He is a good, good father 'lest I forget'. Not only did we become parents through the gift of adoption, God unlocked His purpose for us - to love couples through infertility, loss, and adoption.

Trust Him. Trust Him with the most tender and fragile of circumstances. He can and will use your tragedy to turn ashes into beauty.

Hi. My name is Whitney Van Matre. My life is sweet, but imperfect. I was made a mommy through the gift of adoption. Feast your eyes on my fearfully and wonderfully made

Kennedy Van Matre. He is 35lbs of toddler cuteness and sass. He is our best "yes" and our greatest adventure.

I am married to my best friend and love Jordan Van Matre. I am 5’1” and he is 6’2”. I am brunette and he is blonde. I am bothered by dishes in the sink, while he is bothered when I fail to close the caps on my contact case. I like a good comedy movie, while he loves deep, complex, and thought provoking dramas (Jordan wrote that part). My quirks involve an unhealthy obsession with coffee, a love for queso and salsa, and my desire to talk by text more than by a phone call. (I am so thankful for my friends who hate this but love me anyway). Jordan’s quirks involve a supernatural ability to drink a beverage before I can unwrap my straw, an insatiable desire to learn and Google any random “why do they call it a ‘milk dud’?” sort of question, and is an amazing, on point “giff-er”. I like coffee with creamer and he likes black coffee. I like to sit and read on the beach while he likes a pick up game of beach volleyball. We are so different, and at the same time, so alike.

We both love Jesus because He is our greatest hope. We both value family because they are a constant source of love and support. We understand and are grateful for our friends…our tribe…our village who love us at our best and give us grace at our worst. We both enjoy a summer evening walk with Kennedy or a fall morning with a hot cup of coffee on the porch. We both aspire to be fit but really love Mexican food.

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We both grieved our struggle to conceive.

We both shed tears (sometimes screams) month after month as infertility refused to yield to our heart’s desire.

We both felt discomfort and vulnerability through testing and treatment.

We both felt both hope and fear during IUIs 1, 2, and 3.

We were both devastated when we learned that IUIs 1, 2, and 3 all  failed.

We both felt comfort, and in some ways healing, in sharing our story with the world.

We both have a calling to love the silent sufferers who are similarly living through the pain of infertility.

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We both felt the very clear calling from the Lord to adopt.

We both feared our ability to afford adoption.

We were both amazed how the Lord provided through the financial donations of others.

We both experienced highs and lows through the entire adoption process.

We both experienced the greatest joy we’ve ever known when we met our beautiful son.

We both marveled at the sacrifice of a birth mom who gave us our greatest treasure.

Hidden layers of our hearts healed through Kennedy’s adoption.

We both immediately felt the anthem of adoption unlock as ours to carry.

We both felt compelled to love those who, in the sways of adoption, share in uncertainty and excitement.

We both feel called to adopt again.

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We both celebrated when we found out we were pregnant just 6 months after Kennedy was born.

We were both terrified when, at 6 weeks, I began to bleed.

We were both shaking when we checked in at the ER.

We both wept as the doctor delivered the news.

We both mourned the loss of our second child.

We both see Jesus’ ultimate plan and provision in our son’s eyes and had to peel back some of those layers that had healed and begin healing them in a different way.

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We were both concerned when I started having more pain from endometriosis.

We were both surprised when God pivoted our plans after surgery was ordered for me.

We were surprised that my OBGYN recommended fertility treatment or birth control following this surgery and that hard decisions would have to be made.

We were both scared when I went into surgery unsure of the outcome.

We were both relieved to learn I still had both ovaries and less endometriosis.

We both want to grow our family.

We both want to adopt again.

We both want to some day have biological children.

So, we will walk in obedience toward both.

P L E A S E  P R A Y

1.     Pray for wisdom as we will see a new fertility specialist on August 7th (our 7th wedding anniversary). Pray that we will know if the doctor is the right doctor to walk us through this next season. Pray for wisdom as we continue to learn more about treatment and next steps. Pray that Jesus would be honored in our decisions at each turn.

2.     Pray for wisdom as we pray through our desire to adopt. We hear “both” over and over again so we are researching the cost, timing, and options we have to actively pursue another adoption. 

3.     Pray that Jordan and I would continue to surrender our plan and our desire to control everything about this next season to watch God’s goodness…even if His goodness means a “no” or “not now”.

4.     Pray for other couples going through infertility, adoption, or miscarriage. This stuff is deep and it is raw. Pray that Jordan and I would be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and be used with the purest of motives to be the hope and light of Jesus in a dark world.